'WHERE THERE'S A WILL'




Through a quirk of fate the bard is transported through time to the year 2014 where he lands outside the house of Gordon Coldridge, a struggling playwright with a pushy manager and an estranged girlfriend! Up against a deadline with writer's block due to an ill fated romance? Who best to assist you than William Shakespeare.


Shakespeare makes a curtain call!

 

By Joe Franklin – Bloomberg Radio

 

I’ve been around, going to and reviewing New York theatre for over sixty years and though I’m not old enough to have known William Shakespeare personally, after watching Joe Simonelli’s new romantic comedy, ‘Where there’s a Will’ , I feel like we’re old friends!  The plot revolves around 21st century Staten Island playwright Gordon Coldridge, a moderately successful working playwright with a few published plays and some regional pro theatre under his belt, but still striving to get his big Broadway hit! As portrayed expertly and with ample angst  by Tim Weinert, the moody and introspective scribe gambles too much and has trouble moving on from past relationships which seriously threatens his current relationship to his muse Cassandra. (A standout performance by Samantha Rivers Cole in a supporting part)  To add to the pressure,  his overbearing manager Al, played by playwright Simonelli, who offers a solid character role performance, is after him to finish the play he is struggling with because they have already received a nice advance and the ‘publisher’s deadline is looming.’  Just when all seems lost who shows up to save the day but the ‘Bard’ himself, played effectively by British actor Mark Smith, offering advice and commenting on the modern accoutrements of the day. I’m not going to give away any plot points on how he got there or what happens to him, you’re just going to have to venture over to the American Actors Theatre on West 54th Street to see, and laugh, for yourself!   The play is directed adeptly by veteran theatre maven Richmond Shepard. There are only four performances left unless they extend the run, try not to miss them! At just twenty dollars  admission, it just may be the cheapest, and funniest play you will see in New York this season!

 

The American Theatre of Actors is located at 314 West 54th Street.

Remaining performances are Friday May 2nd and 3rd at 8 pm, with a Saturday and Sunday matinee at 3pm on May 3rd and 4th.

For tickets call 212-581-3044

 




EXCERPT



ACT 1

SCENE 1

 

 

SETTING:                                           The  living room of Gordon Coleridge. Main entrance is up left.  Archway to kitchen is down left.  Bedroom is up right.  A desk with computer is down right. Couch, coffee table, bar and other customary living room furniture is evident. Small vacuum rests next to the bookshelf. The room is messy. A plastic skull sits on top of the bookshelf and a small vacuum cleaner rests next to it.

AT RISE :                                                      Mid morning. Gordan is at his computer,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          his head rests on the desk as he sleeps.

                                                                           A single spot illuminates center stage as       Will comes out to speak.

(Trumpets sound – optional)

 

 

WILL

Come gather groundlings at my behest,

To hear a tale of love’s lost quest,

Good poet Gordon doth yonder rest,

To welcome soon a distant guest.

 

(exit Bard as phone on Gordon’s desk starts ringing and lights come up)

 

GORDON

(answers the phone groggily)

Hello…oh, hi sis….no I was working late…must have dozed off…I’m up against a deadline.

How’s Cassandra? I don’t know, I haven’t heard  from her in a week. I don’t know, we had some ‘words’…of course it wasn’t her fault, It was me, it’s always me….who know’s, she says I’m stuck in the past…there you go taking her side again…So how are things on the West Coast? It must be the middle of the night there? You’re having breakfast? What time is it?...If it’s eight A.M, in Santa Monica then it’s 11 A.M. here on Staten Island! I’ve got to get back to work!  Yes I’m taking my vitamins, jeez, stop nagging, you’re my sister not my mother. Okay, love you too, talk to you soon.

(To himself as he types)

I ‘ve got to finish this play! Let’s see, they just had an argument then (he recites as he types)

‘She maliciously throws a shoe at him before she exits, barely missing his head’…..yeah, that’s good! (He types) Wait a minute….how can she leave the house without her shoe? That doesn’t make sense… (He resumes typing)  ‘She re-enters to get her shoe, apologizes to him, and they make mad passionate love all over the living room!’ ….(second thought) yeah right, if only life were like that….Delete.

 

(phone rings again he answers)

 

Yeah, hi Al….yeah Al, I’m working on it as we speak… I know the deadline is next week….Yes, I know we have to forfeit the advance if I don’t deliver….Yes, God forbid you have to give back your fifteen percent but you don’t have to worry about that Al….why? because your fifteen percent, the agent’s ten percent and the publisher’s twenty percent lost to an ace high full house last week in Atlantic City!...No, my fifty- five percent lost to four of a kind the hand before…..just my luck, there was no bad beat pool at that casino! What?….What do you mean you’re coming over? You’re coming to Staten Island?  You never come to Staten Island. You’re calling from the Staten Island ferry? It’s just pulling in? Yeah, we have buses. And taxi cabs, yes….Alright, It’s a five minute cab ride or ten minute walk. ….Alright Al but I’m pretty tired, I’ve been working all night, I didn’t get much sleep…between the play deadline and Cass and me having a little trouble it hasn’t been a banner week…yes, that’s right, don’t forget losing all my money in Atlantic city…thanks for reminding me…okay…I’ll see you later.   (He hangs up phone and gets back to the play)

Come on Gordon old boy, you can do this, you’ve written plenty of plays that are all starting to sound the same….Okay, we switch apartments, we make it her apartment and she throws the shoe at his head as he’s leaving! That’s it, now all I have to do is rewrite Act One! Shit…that’s not gonna happen! Think…Think…Think…Gordon…what do you do when you get writers block?

Oh yeah…Internet poker!!  Nah, no money in the account! Internet porn!  Nah, I’m too tired.

 

(He stands up, goes to coach and lays down)

 

I need a power nap.

 

(Knock at the door as he sits up)

 

I don’t need a power nap.

(to door) Who is it?

 

CASSANDRA

(from off, )

Your ex girlfriend.

 

GORDON

I knew she couldn’t stay away! Hello, make up sex!

(to door in a sweet tone as he suggestively poses on couch)

Come in, it’s open.

 

CASSANDRA

(She carries a box of items inside the door and places it down. This box must remain there the entire play)

Here’s your shit back asshole. I never want to see you again.

(she exits and slams door)

 

GORDON

( he stands,  walks towards the door and shouts)

Sure, make this all about me  ….I’ll call you later?.....I love you!

 

(he walks to box and  starts to pick up various items and articles of clothing sometimes remarking on them but always replacing them in the box.)

Toothbrush. Sweat shirt.  Valentines card from last year with the international ‘No’ sign drawn over it. My picture also with the international ‘No” sign drawn over it.  Hmm, not a good omen.

(*No sign is denoted by a red circle with a line through it)

(He frantically searches for something else)

 

Hey, where’s my  David Mamet bobble head?

 

(he puts the box back on the floor as he lays back down on the couch)

 

I can’t deal with this now. I’m exhausted.

 

(he starts to nod off as there is another knock at the door and he bolts up)

 

She’s back! The I love you’s get them every time!

(as he goes to answer the door)

 

Coming my sweet! (As he opens door)  I love you!

 

AL

(enters briskly)

I love you too now get back to work.

 

GORDON

(despondent)

Oh hi Al.

 

AL

Hey, don’t act so happy to be seeing me…after all I come  to Staten Island how often? Oh yeah…NEVER.

 

GORDON

(deadpan)

Great Al. I’m thrilled you’re here.

 

AL

I ran into Cassandra outside. What’s with her?

 

GORDON

What do you mean?

 

AL

I asked her how she was and she told me she never wanted to see you again.

 

GORDON

I told you we were having a little trouble.

 

AL

Yeah, that’s like the titanic having a little leak.

 

GORDON

She’s just a bit upset. She’ll get over it.

 

AL

No doubt. And she’ll probably get over you too. You know I don’t get you. She’s a lovely woman….what did you do to her?

 

GORDON

Oh sure, lay the blame at my feet!

 

Al

It’s not just her….how long have I been your manager?

 

GORDON

Too long if you ask me.

 

AL

That’s gratitude for you. Twelve years and (thinks about it) three months we’ve been together. Twelve years and three months of my fatherly nurturing. Of carefully crafting every nuance of your career and what do I get for it?

 

GORDON

You get awfully annoying, that’s what you get. And you also get fifteen  percent of everything I write.

 

AL

And now you’re bringing up money. Is that all you think this relationship is about? The lousy money?

 

GORDON

I’m glad you feel that way Al. let’s make your end ten percent.

 

AL

You know I would, but you’d only gamble away the extra five percent. And why do you gamble so much anyway?

 

GORDON

My brother gambles, my grandfather gambled and his grandfather gambled. I’m just trying to keep up the family tradition.

 

AL

How come your father never gambled?

 

Gordon

Who knows, maybe it skips a generation.

 

AL

And maybe you should learn how to manage your money better…. Hey you know what would be a great idea?

 

GORDON

No, what?

 

AL

I take that extra five percent you mentioned and invest it for you. You know sock it away in a retirement account for your golden years!

 

GORDON

You’d do that for me Al?

 

AL

No, but it would be a great idea!

 

GORDAN

(losing patience)

Goodbye Al

 

AL

What are you goodbying me for? I just got here. Do you have any bananas?

 

GORDON

I don’t think so. I just bought some tangelos.

 

AL

No, it’s gotta be a banana. It’s a new diet. I’ve got to eat at least two bananas a day.

 

GORDON

A banana diet? Does it work?

 

AL

Have you ever seen a fat monkey?

 

GORDON

Funny. And they told me vaudeville was dead.

 

Al

You don’t like that one I can think of plenty more.

 

GORDON

Why can’t you just think of a way to get one of my plays on Broadway?

 

AL

Why are you complaining? I’ve gotten your plays into plenty of theatre’s.

 

GORDON

Plenty of amateur and community theatres.

 

AL

Yeah, all around the country…and those royalties are starting to add up. six play’s published and a seventh on the way. For which you have  just squandered a big advance!

 

GORDON

I need professional productions. My stuff is as good as anybody’s.

 

AL

I’ve gotten you professional productions. Didn’t I get you the Barter theatre  last year?

 

GORDON

Yes.  And I’ll always be grateful for that production.

 

AL

Well you should be.  The state theatre of Virginia! Broadway quality shows. This isn’t the 1960’s anymore where you can have three shows running in New York  and they give you time to build your audience. Today it’s all big business and bottom line! Why do you want to fool around with Broadway when you have a bright future in regional theatre?

 

GORDON

Why does any playwright want to be on Broadway?

 

AL

I don’t know, to get skewered by the New York Times?

 

GORDON

Again, goodbye Al.

 

AL

 You’ve got to learn to be more sociable. No wonder Cassandra left you.

 

GORDON

Oh, she left me? She left me…well maybe I got rid of her, huh!

 

AL

Yeah right. I know you too long…they all leave you. You drive them crazy. But Cassandra, Cassandra… if ever there was a keeper it’s her.. She was your muse the past three years.

 

GORDON

She was?

 

Al

Of course she was!  You’ve written three of your best plays in the last three years.. You’ve gotten professional productions in the last three years! What the hell  is wrong with you?

 

GORDON

On my God, you’re right. She was.

 

AL

That woman had the patience of a saint. And you go screw it up just like you screwed up two marriages and four other relationships.  That’s a lot of screw ups in twelve years.

 

GORDON

And three months……Wait, the first marriage was before I even knew you.

 

AL

Granted. But you still have a pretty bad track record.


GORDON

Well you can’t count those other relationships.

 

Al

Why not?

 

GORDON

Because Cassandra is different from those other women.

 

AL

Really, how so?

 

GORDON

All those other women were, well you know?

 

AL

Bar trollops? Pole dancers? Hookers?

 

GORDON

You kidding? That would have entailed temporary pleasure before the misery started….I’m referring to that other word.

 

AL

Oh, you mean they were all actresses.

 

 

GORDON

Bingo. On the nose. Needy, drive me crazy, no part is ever big enough actresses.

 

Al

I told you not to socialize with them during the run of the play.

 

GORDON

Who socialized? They used to show up here at the house on some pretext and never leave.

 

AL

And I’m sure you put up a big fight.

 

GORDON

That’s beside the point. And Cass is no actress.

 

AL

She pretended to like you for three years.

 

GORDON

Funny Al. Maybe you should write the plays and I’ll take the fifteen percent.

 

Al

I am going to ignore that remark and address your present lack of muse dilemma.

 

GORDON

What do we do?

 

AL

We’ve got to get her back so you can finish writing.

 

GORDON

Okay, but how?

 

AL

Have you tried begging?

 

GORDON

Yes.

 

Al

Groveling?

 

GORDON

Twice, I groveled twice! Didn’t work.

 

AL

FLOWERS, CANDY,  JEWELRY?!

 

GORDON

I’M BROKE! BROKE! BROKE! REMEMBER?

 

AL

Oh yeah, I forgot.

 

GORDON

Besides, money means nothing to Cass, she’s a romantic. She’s with me because of my charm, talent, devil may care sense of adventure.

 

AL

(laughing in disbelief) Yeah, right….(a beat as he thinks of a solution) Maybe I can get you another advance from the publisher. Is there a jewelry store around here?

 

GORDON

Would you forget the Jewelry!

 

AL

Alright, desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

GORDON

What are you gonna do?

 

AL

Talk to her myself.

(He pulls out his cell phone)

What’s her number? Wait , I think I have it saved. (he dials it)

 

GORDON

What are you doing with my girlfriend’s phone number?

 

AL

Ex – girlfriend.

 

GORDON

Whatever.

 

 

AL

I’m in show biz. I have everybody’s number.

 

GORDON

You’re a good manager Al.

 

AL

Don’t forget it….. (to phone) Hello Cassandra, it’s Al…uh huh…well, no, Gordon is not putting me up to this, I just thought that you and he were together so long….oh really….oh really…Hmm, well when you put it that way…no kidding, Yeah but I thought if you two could just talk…..no kidding,that long huh,…I don’t know, I’ll ask him…(to Gordon) Have you seen her curling iron anywhere?

 

Gordon

No.

 

AL

No he hasn’t seen it.…Tell him if he finds it he should do what with it? Okay, I’ll let him know. Sure. Bye.

 

 

Gordon

Way to go.  Got any other idea’s?

 

Al

Well according to Cassandra we can always wait till hell freezes over.

 

Gordon

Now what do I do?

 

AL

Let’s not lose hope yet. There is always plan B .

 

 

GORDON

What’s plan B?

 

AL

I visit her personally and lay on the old charm, what’s her address again?

 

GORDON

Oh, the old charm didn’t work on the phone but it’s going to work in person?

 

AL

Why not.

 

GORDON

Gee Al, I don’t think that’s such a great idea. After all, I have my pride you know. Sending you over there is just..

 

Al

Just what?

 

GORDON

Well. It’s humiliating, demeaning, underhanded….so what are you gonna say?

(he writes down the address)

 

AL

Just leave it to me. Before I was your manager I was a Broadway agent, we can be pretty persuasive you know.  Remember CATS?

 

GORDON

Who Harry Katz, the lawyer?

 

AL

No CATS the Broadway musical.

 

GORDON

You got CATS to Broadway?

 

AL

No, but I bet somebody pretty persuasive did.

 

GORDON

Here’s the address. Just go….I gotta take a nap. (He lies on  couch)

 

AL

Good idea. Take a nice quick nap then get up and start writing again. I’ll bring back lunch!

(He notices plastic skull on bookshelf and raises it up in one hand and glances at it , cluelessly aping an actor )

A little early for Halloween isn’t it? Anyone I know?

(He tosses the skull to Gordon who is now lying on couch as he opens door and looks outside)

Hey you got an umbrella handy, looks like rain?

 

GORDON

I’m a reclusive writer who never leaves the house. Walk between the raindrops. Bring back some pastrami.

 

(Al exits as Gordon looks at the skull)

 

I guess you don’t have to worry about writer’s block anymore pal.

 

(He  tosses the skull behind the couch. He rests and  falls asleep,  few beats as  lightning flash is seen and thunder claps are heard….then all is quiet as there is knocking at the door. Gordon groggily gets up to answer it)

 

Looks like I’m never going to get any sleep.

 

(He opens the door to find William Shakespeare standing there in traditional Elizabethan garb)

 

WILL

Good day sir .Might I, perchance,  seek temporary shelter in your manor?

 

GORDON

Nice costume fellow but we’re not auditioning for any Shakespeare this season.

 

WILL

How do you know my name? Tis certain we have never met!

 

GORDON

What are you talking about?

 

WILL

Pray thee, may I enter? I fear it may commence to rain anon.

 

GORDON

Why not? This may be good for a laugh. Besides, you went through all the trouble of dressing up. Where did you rent the costume?

 

WILL

(as he enters)

These garments are mine own, sir. (as he looks around) Such strange surroundings…this thus  astonished  am  I….I pray you, what is that device  on yonder table?

 

GORDON

What device? You mean the laptop?

 

 

WILL

(As he walks towards the laptop)

 Such illume! Soft, what light through yonder window breaks? And there is writing on it! What marvelous trickery is this?! Tis thus astounded am I!

 

GORDON

Okay, this has gone about far enough. But I have to admit, you are pretty good. Who put you up to this, your agent? My agent?  Al?

 

WILL

Pray,  what year is’t?

 

GORDON

Okay pal, that does it. (he starts pushing him towards the door) I told you you’re good and I’d be happy to read you for a part if I ever want to do a re-interpretation of Hamlet.

 

WILL

You know of my play?

 

GORDON

Yes, yes I know of all thirty eight but I’m really busy and I have a feeling some guys wearing white coats may be outside  searching for you.

 

WILL

Thirty  eight? But tis only thirty six I’ve writ so far.

 

GORDON

Yeah….some people had a feeling you didn’t write the last few, who did? Francis Bacon?

 

WILL

Bacon? That lack wit ! Second rate!  John Fletcher is the poet I have written with of late.  Prithee, kind sir, what is your name? I am a stranger here.

 

GORDON

I’ll say you are.

 

WILL

How could I expect you to understand?  You could not possibly. Pray,  allow me but an opportunity to explain.

 

GORDON

Okay. This may prove interesting.

 

WILL

May I sit for a moment,  for I fear I have just been through a great ordeal.

 

GORDON

Knock yourself out.

 

WILL

Marry, that phrase is foreign to me.

 

GORDON

I’m sorry. Perchance if thou would’st sitteth on yonder throne. (he indicates a wing chair)

 

 

WILL

Before I tell you of my tale…perchance , can you  humor me, kind sir by telling me what year this be?

 

GORDON

(as he sits)

This be the year two thousand and fourteen. As if you didn’t know.

 

WILL

Two thousand and fourteen, you say!? (He slouches into the wing chair) It cannot be.  I feel faint and parched.  Might I quench my thirst by drawing water from your well?  I have not had a drink in near four hundred years.

 

GORDON

Really, four hundred years?  I think you’re going to need something stronger than water.

 

 

WILL

In faith, what is your name?

 

GORDON

Gordon.

 

WILL

A  goodly and noble sounding  name.

 

GORDON

Thanks, my parents were rather partial to it.  And how may I address you? Mr. Shakespeare?



WILL

William, or Will, if it please you.

 

GORDON

Okay ,Will. You were going to explain to me how you got here to America, from England, and skipped ahead four hundred years in the process.

 

WILL

America? You mean this be the New World?

 

GORDON

New World? I’m afraid you have a little catching up to do here. But we digress…

(he goes to the bar and pours Will a glass of water as he listens)

 

WILL

Yes, yes. The tale of my arrival. Well, here it is. Mark it well.  My neighbor’s boy on the Newton’s farm was always fiddling  with some machine or other. He fancied himself some kind of mage.  Always puzzling, instead of tending to the farm as his parents wished. I must say the boy had some spirit. I was a bit of a rapscallion in my own right when I was a lad his age.

Quite a way with the women I had.

 

GORDON

Pray tell. 

 

WILL

“Where is the life that late I led?” …Ah, a story for another day. .

 

GORDON

Here you go.

(He hands him water)

 

WILL

Grammercy. (He takes a drink) Pray, shall  I continue?

 

GORDON

Wait. If you don’t mind I’d like to write this down, cause no one’s going to believe it.

(He grabs a pen and paper from his desk)

Now, what year was it when this event occurred?

 

WILL

It was the year of our Lord 1613.

 

GORDON

Got it. (He writes it down). Pray, continue.

 

WILL

Well, one day while I was visiting, the lad cajoled me  to the barn, to show me  a new device of his. Some portal he had artificed to transport living creatures from one place to another. With intent  he fashioned a means to harness  sunlight and fire to animate  said machine. He had  already used the machine to transport many of the farm animals, much to the dismay of his father, it can be said.

 

 

GORDON

Transported them where?

 

WILL

He knew not. Simply pushed he the animals through the portal , causing them to fade from view as  through some  magic,  never to be seen again.

 

GORDON

So you volunteered to enter this portal?

 

WILL,

Zounds, man, no! In sooth, do you think I would  trust such a maze-wit , on the chance that it might be true? Do you take me to be fool born?  Do you think I would choose to shuffle off this mortal coil in such a manner? ….(pleased with himself) I wrote that line, you know.

 

GORDON

Yes, I know….  So if you didn’t volunteer to go into the portal than how did you wind up here?

 

WILL

Blasted fortune. The lad retrieved a goat to demonstrate to me how it all worked. As luck would have it I was standing too near to the portal when the goat bolted for it, knocking me through along with itself. Next I know I am standing on the greensward of your manor. Tis thus astounded am I.

 

GORDON

What happened to the goat?

 

WILL

Last  seen, he had bolted down the path out  yonder door.

 

GORDON

There’s a goat running around loose on Staten Island?

 

WILL

Perchance..  Tis second time you mention Staten Island.  Is that the name of your village ?

 

GORDON

It is.

 

WILL

Staten Island. A Dutch name. Ah, word travels.  Perchance a discovery of that young explorer, Henry Hudson.

 

GORDON

Probably, I’d have to check Wikipedia.

 

WILL

Of what do you discourse? Wika..peedia?

 

GORDON

A modern resource used for research that we writers use.

 

WILL

Go to! Prithee , are you a poet also, Gordon?

 

GORDON

We don’t use the word poet anymore for writers of plays. We call ourselves playwrights!

 

WILL

Play-wrights! What a magnificent word! A writer of plays! Tell me then, what do you call writers of verse?

 

GORDON

We call them poets.

 

Will

Again magnificent…Bravo!, And pray tell are you a goodly playwright, Gordon?

 

GORDON

Not as goodly as you, but then none of us are.

 

WILL

So say you comrade! So you are Gordon the playwright residing on the Isle of  Staten. Is  the Isle of Staten in close measure to  New Amsterdam?  I have heard it to be a most excellent place!

 

 

GORDON

Yes, we call it the Isle of Manhattan nowadays. We all hopeth  to move there someday when a play hiteth bigeth.… But let’s get back to your story…incredible as it may seem. So, a goat pushed you through a time portal on the Newton’s farm. And where did you say that was located?

 

WILL

Lincolnshire.

 

GORDON

Aha, You’re from Stratford on Avon yet you called him a neighbor.

 

WILL

(He stands)

I take exception sir. In England we are all neighbors. I knew the lad’s parents.  They had attended one of my performances as I travelled about with my players. I was seldom home in those days.

 

GORDON

Okay…Okay.  Now the lad’s name, you said, was Newton?

 

WILL

Isaac Newton, yes.

 

GORDON

Sir Isaac Newton?

 

WILL

They knighted the rascal?  Methinks tis surely a mistake!

 

GORDON

So what your story is, what you’re telling me is, that Sir Isaac Newton sent you hurtling to the future with a goat, by some invention of his?

 

WILL

Verily. For here stand I.

 

GORDON

Aha, now I have you!

 

WILL

How say you?

 

GORDON

Imposter! Charlatan!  “False face must hide what false heart doth know!” 

 

WILL

I wish you’d stop quoting me thus. You don’t hear me quoting you all the time. It’s rather off-putting.

 

GORDON

Is it? Well you better get used to it! …. I happen to be a student of history Mr. Shakespeare, or whoever you really are. And I seem to recall that Sir Isaac Newton was about twenty to thirty years after your time!

 

WILL

Tis not possible, I knew him well, Gordon.

 

GORDON

Nice try! But I can prove it.

 

WILL

Pray tell.

 

GORDON

Right here.

(He walks to computer followed by Will)

That Wikipedia I told you of.  Now don’t let this shock you! Mark this. When I push a certain button on yonder device the words will magically be transcribed to others!

 

WILL

It cannot be possible.

 

 

GORDON

Oh, you just travelled four hundred years into the future but what I’m about to do isn’t possible?

 

WILL

Stand I corrected ,I suppose it is.

 

GORDON

I just push a few of these keys and presto. All the pertinent facts you’d want to know about Sir Isaac Newton.

 

WILL

Who would have thought a farm boy to be so important.

 

GORDON

And as you can see, Sir Issac Newton was born on December twenty fifth, Christmas Day, sixteen hundred and forty two. Exactly twenty six years after you had….well, let’s not go into that now.

 

WILL

Tis not possible I tell you, he was a lad of no more that sixteen when I knew him in the year sixteen hundred and thirteen. Perhaps there is something more there? Perchance  read on?

 

GORDON

If you wish to be indulged.  Let’s see, early years, grew up on a farm in Lincolnshire…you had that right. Fathers name was also Isaac Newton!

 

 

WILL

Aha, there you have it. Twas the father who was the young lad I knew, who did  experiment in the barn. The son, perchance through fate,partook of the father’s genius. The apple not falling far from the tree!

 

GORDON

Did you write that line too?

 

WILL

Me thinks not, but tis a good one!….Well sir, I am waiting!

 

GORDON

Waiting for what?

 

WILL

An apology, you scurrilous dog!  Imposter, am I! Charlatan?  (He unsheathes his sword)

These words are foreign to me but truly sound malicious! Were I not a stranger in a strange land I would run you through for such insult.

 

GORDON

I know you didn’t write that line.

 

WILL

Defend yourself, you cur!

 

(He backs Gordon around the room)

 

GORDON

Alright! Alright! I apologize! Put that thing away, you’re going to hurt somebody!

 

 

WILL

Verily ,my intent!

 

GORDON

(thinking quick)

Will, look out yonder window…the goat returns!

 

(as Will turns to look Gordon runs to the bedroom and locks the door. Will runs after him and tries unsuccessfully to open it.)

 

WILL

Come out, you miscreant! “Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once!” that be from Julius Caeser!

 

GORDON

(from behind the door)

 “Crazy people wind up in padded rooms!” That be from Staten Island Psychiatric hospital!

 

WILL

Come  hither, toward me  out yon door or nay?

 

GORDON

(behind door)

Or nay! What I am doing is calling the authorities to have you arrested!

 

WILL